Dating the Cullens
by ticktockjohnlock
Summary: Bella inadvertantly stumbles upon the negatives of human-vampire relationships.


'So I'll meet you there?' He asks.

I can feel his frown down the phone. I had never declined a lift from him before and he seemed apprehensive, no doubt about to ask Alice if she'd seen anything when I hang up.

'Uh, yeah, sure… I might be a while though,' I reply, balancing the phone on one shoulder.

'Right, yes, are you alright Bella?' he asks.

The concern in his voice makes me feel even worse, I am a complete and utter calamity – What on earth does he see in _me_, again? Now that's a good question.

'Of course, yep, fine, why wouldn't I be?' I say, trying to sound cheerful. He doesn't answer, already suspecting the worst, no doubt.

Trust me to forget to shave my legs, although, if he left me alone for a few hours I might have had this done earlier. Wait – what am I talking about? He is an angel; I should be lucky to have such a devoted boyfriend. I hear some whispers in the background, yep; they're all there. Typical. _No! Ugh._ I watch as the tiny trickle of blood runs down my calf. _Snap._

'Umm, Edward?' I ask, laughing awkwardly.

'Yeah…?' He says, uneasily.

'Meet you in five?'

I instantly regret it. Why did I say that? They won't be dry, let alone healed! Plural, yes, I am an idiot. The copper stench wafts up and I struggle to hold my breath, grabbing another plaster from the side.

'Sure, love you,' He isn't convinced. I wheeze, deeply out of breath, reaching for an aerosol, anything to cover the repulsive smell.

'You too,' I spray wildly, having a great coughing fit as some escapes into my lungs; cursing as the phone slides into the bathtub, soaked in frothy bubbles and I look at the random bottle I grabbed. Nice: Charlie's deodorant. Can this day get any better?

'Bella?' The bubbles crackle.

No! No, Edward! Please, stop worrying! I fish the phone out, brushing the bubbles from the speaker. Act calm, casual, collected Bella Swan.

I cough violently, trying to conceal it with my sleeve.

I attempt to brush it off, failing completely with my 'collected Bella'. If this is what I'm like 'collected' I hope he never sees me otherwise.

'Ahem, hmm, yarrr?'

When have I ever, in my entire life said yarrr? This is seriously turning my brain into mush. I have a sudden connection with Friends, but how I wish it wasn't as hard as leaving a 'breezy' message on his phone. Ugh, why do humans have to bleed so much? Stupid question, I know, but can you blame me? I have less than a minute to finish, and then meet Edward at the meadow. I need a diversion. Anything to stop him from arriving at the inevitable conclusion he'll come to.

'I'm coming over, Bella,' He states, I hope that wasn't an engine starting. There's the crunch of gravel. Who am I kidding? That was definitely his car.

'No.' I snap. Just relax: think logically Bella. 'I'm, I'm, I'm… err,' my eyes frantically dart around the room and I spot the sodden towel on the floor,

'Naked!'

I bark, grimacing at the words I've just said, feeling my cheeks flood – even my cheeks are embarrassed for me. I thump the back of my head against the wall, sliding down to the floor. _Ugh._ The water seeps through my rolled up jeans and I realise there is a small pond sloshing on the tiles. Wonderful. It takes my mind off of it for a second, but then I hear brakes slam down the phone. He's running back inside now with heavy footsteps, probably in repulsion at the prospect of meeting his peculiar girlfriend.

'Bella?' Alice chirps, but the line is crackling. I shake the phone and droplets of water leak from the bottom.

'Hmmm?' I reply, pointlessly mopping at the floor with my sodden towel.

The water swirls around and waves begin to slosh against the side of the bath. Lovely.

'What's wrong?' she asks.

'It's nothing,' I say, crawling to perch on the bath edge to avoid the murky floor.

'You'd better tell me now Bella. I know you've not become a naturist overnight, so spill.' 'Look, it's nothing, honestly,' I begin to wobble on the edge, my spare hand hysterically clutching the slippery surface for grip. Thud. _Ugh, _this is _not_ going according to plan_._

'Bella?' Alice asks, concerned.

I hear Edward moan, I hope in embarrassment if anything; he must be reading her internal monologue. Rubbing my sore elbow I look down at my soaking clothes; I'll have to change soon before I freeze.

'Umm, just a second,' I call, putting the phone on the sink ledge as I squirm out of my damp jeans. I look at the array of drenched plasters on my legs. Definitely not a skirt, although I have no preference – anything dry will do.

Right, now to get to my room. I watch the stream of water trickle under the door to freedom – a familiar sinking feeling arriving in my stomach.

I really hope Charlie doesn't need to use the bathroom anytime soon.

'Bells, are you okay in here?' He knocks, three times, as usual.

_Great_ timing.

I rub my forehead and steal a quick look through the keyhole; he's looking at the floor where a puddle has formed.

'Yeah, err, could you grab me another towel? They're in the dryer.' I ask, balancing my jeans in a pile on the door hook.

'Might need a few,' He mutters. I smile to myself, and then remember that Alice is waiting on the line and grab the phone from the sink.

'Back,' I say breathlessly.

'Oh Bella,' Alice says, her voice smiling in delight.

'What?'

She hangs up and I hear a knock on the bathroom window. No, please, no!

I push it open and see Alice standing on the porch roof, and suddenly feel incredibly exposed without my jeans on.

'Alice?' I whisper, but it comes out as more of a shriek as Charlie mumbles a question at the bathroom door, probably thinking I've gone mad.

'Surprise,' She beams at me.

'Don't come in here, he'll see you!' I say, shutting the window. I instantly feel bad and push it open again to find she's gone and I can't lie but I feel a little relieved I can avoid the confrontation – even if it's just for a few moments.

There are footsteps on the landing, the floorboards creaking under the weight.

'Bells? I'll leave them outside,' _Thump._ How many did he bring?

'Ok, thanks,' I say, peeking through the keyhole again. I can only see as far as my bedroom door, but have a feeling it's not empty as I'd hoped.

I look around the room: complete chaos – I still can't believe how much water there is everywhere. I freeze, lighter footsteps, almost unnoticeable, are prancing down the hall – when you spend nearly every day with them, you become attuned to more than just the little perks of dating a vampire.

'Alice.' I hiss, irritated that there seems to be no sense of privacy in this house.

'Look, I'm just doing what he asked,'

'He thought I was serious?'

I beam with pride, feeling like I've outsmarted a genius.

'No, of course not.' She laughs, and I feel instantly stupid for assuming such a ridiculous thing. 'He thought someone was making you say that,' She hesitates, uneasily, probably predicting my reaction. 'He's outside'

I am silent, filled with a mixture of anger and confusion and slump on the floor, not caring how soaked it is.

Don't get me wrong, in any other situation I would be thrilled to see him – but when you're half-naked and have specifically told him that I'll meet him there, his melodramatic anxieties are infuriating. I should really mention getting him a therapist. Who am I kidding? I can imagine it now: "Has anything happened that would cause these fears?" Or, even better "Was there anything in you childhood that may have caused this?"

'Bella?' Alice whispers.

'Please, I'm sorry Alice, just ask him to leave, I'll explain another time.' I say, hoping she'll choose to go with him.

'Bella, you can tell me, honest,'

I am suddenly conscious of the various plasters glued to my legs – she can't come in because she'll smell it automatically. And added with the fact that I've got no trousers on.

'Please, Alice, just get him to leave.'

'Ok, but you'll tell me later?' she pauses, 'Have you two had a fight?'

I scoff at the ludicrousness of that question.

'No.' I laugh awkwardly, and then consider it, only for a moment, as a plausible excuse.

'Ok Bella, I'll call later,'

'Thanks,'

I sigh in relief – finally, I can get dry and dressed,

It's amazing sometimes, when you know you're alone at last. Minus Charlie, who's probably gone fishing as it seemed there was an unusual silence in the lounge throughout my conversation with Alice. I push open the door, hesitating as though she'll jump out. Nothing. _Finally._

If you think this was bad, just wait until it's my 'time of the month.'


End file.
